Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Republicans offer "Whites Only" Scholarship

Wow. A group of Young Republicans at Boston University is offering a scholarship to white students. (link) They say they are doing it to encourage people to recognize the racism of race-based scholarships. Apparently there has been some terrible reverse racism going on at BU, because the school now boasts a whopping... (wait for it) 2.6% black population. Oh, how the poor whites are suffering.

I understand these Young Republicans are trying to raise awareness of this grave injustice, and I completely affirm their right to give their money away as they see fit. However, it must be said that a scholarship of this kind, no matter how small (it's $250) sends a larger message than merely promoting awareness. When a school's Black Student Union offers such a scholarship they are not only making a statement about an historic injustice. They are also saying that they would like to see a higher percentage of black students on their college campus. When Republicans offer a "Whites Only" version they are saying... oh, yeah. They're Republicans. They're probably saying something remarkably similar.

Now I know that Republicans want everyone to believe that they have a very large tent. I think this scholarship sheds some light on why they need more space. They have to be able to clearly demarcate the "Whites Only" and "Colored" sections.

These Young Republicans have cleverly designed the scholarship so that anyone who is at least one quarter white can apply. If they really want to show that they are offended by race-based scholarships but are also committed to diversity, they'll end up giving the money to a student who is ONLY one quarter white. But somehow I have a sinking suspicion that the 250 bucks will end up in the pocket of the Armani slacks of a blond, blue-eyed, Ann-Coulter-loving, white guy wearing a bow tie.

To be clear, I am NOT saying all Republicans are racist. I'm not even saying these guys are racists. But I want everyone to think about this: After Michael "Kramer" Richards launched into his N-word filled rant he went on The Letterman Show to say he was not a racist, and I don't buy that for an instant. However, he did not stoop so low as to give out a "Whites Only" college scholarship, now did he?

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Michigan vs. Ohio State

Since this is a site devoted to pontificating on subjects where we are not, um, recognized experts, I think it's entirely fitting for me to talk about sports. As someone who is entirely objective (I've only been a Michigan fan for the last 30years) I think I should weigh in on Saturday's game.

Here's what's going to happen. It will be a tough, Rumsfeldian slog, but just when it seems that the game will go on for another three to thirty years without any possible satisfactory outcome Michigan will score a touchdown putting them one point behind Ohio State with seconds left. Because they are always too conservative in the fourth quarter they will only go for one, hoping to tie and win in overtime. Ohio State will block the kick, but Michigan will recover and convert for two. It will be an epic victory.

After the Michigan win, because it is so close, the BCS computers will determine that Ohio State is the best one-loss team (and still better than the undefeated Boise State), and Michigan will play Ohio State for a second time in a single season in the BCS Bowl. Facing a demoralized Ohio State they will rack up the single largest victory margin in the history of college football, winning with a final score of 238 -7 (better than Georgia Tech's unbelievable 222 - 0 victory over Cumberland in 1916). Not only will the victory be staggering in itself, but the fact that they beat Ohio State twice in a single season will be so unlikely to ever occur again that Ohio State will definitively concede the rivalry forever. Tragically, the suicide rate in Columbus will sky-rocket.

And then...

On the very day that George Bush is impeached Dick Cheney will not only suffer a fatal heart attack when he hears the news, but he will also be struck by lightening and fall into a gaping sink-hole leading all the way down to the slobbering mouth of Satan himself. This will make Nancy Pelosi the President of the United States. To disprove doubters who remember her bone-head move of supporting John Murtha she will choose Barack Obama for her VP, and when he is approved by the Senate, as she listens to the thunderous applause in the Senate chambers she will be so overcome with ecstasy that her normally freakish smile will tear her head in half, killing her in her moment of triumph. Barack Obama will then be President for the next nine years (maybe more if he does such a good job that a Constitutional Amendment allows him to continue).

But don't worry, Bill. Florida will defeat Notre Dame or USC handily in some second-tier bowl.

And Joel, Georgia will... sorry. I got nothin'. I'm trying to be realistic here.

Monday, November 13, 2006

It was inevitable

I started a blog. Add it to your favorites and check in on me every now and then. Rest assured that I would rather be talking to the nothingness of the internets than doing my homework...