Thursday, November 16, 2006

Michigan vs. Ohio State

Since this is a site devoted to pontificating on subjects where we are not, um, recognized experts, I think it's entirely fitting for me to talk about sports. As someone who is entirely objective (I've only been a Michigan fan for the last 30years) I think I should weigh in on Saturday's game.

Here's what's going to happen. It will be a tough, Rumsfeldian slog, but just when it seems that the game will go on for another three to thirty years without any possible satisfactory outcome Michigan will score a touchdown putting them one point behind Ohio State with seconds left. Because they are always too conservative in the fourth quarter they will only go for one, hoping to tie and win in overtime. Ohio State will block the kick, but Michigan will recover and convert for two. It will be an epic victory.

After the Michigan win, because it is so close, the BCS computers will determine that Ohio State is the best one-loss team (and still better than the undefeated Boise State), and Michigan will play Ohio State for a second time in a single season in the BCS Bowl. Facing a demoralized Ohio State they will rack up the single largest victory margin in the history of college football, winning with a final score of 238 -7 (better than Georgia Tech's unbelievable 222 - 0 victory over Cumberland in 1916). Not only will the victory be staggering in itself, but the fact that they beat Ohio State twice in a single season will be so unlikely to ever occur again that Ohio State will definitively concede the rivalry forever. Tragically, the suicide rate in Columbus will sky-rocket.

And then...

On the very day that George Bush is impeached Dick Cheney will not only suffer a fatal heart attack when he hears the news, but he will also be struck by lightening and fall into a gaping sink-hole leading all the way down to the slobbering mouth of Satan himself. This will make Nancy Pelosi the President of the United States. To disprove doubters who remember her bone-head move of supporting John Murtha she will choose Barack Obama for her VP, and when he is approved by the Senate, as she listens to the thunderous applause in the Senate chambers she will be so overcome with ecstasy that her normally freakish smile will tear her head in half, killing her in her moment of triumph. Barack Obama will then be President for the next nine years (maybe more if he does such a good job that a Constitutional Amendment allows him to continue).

But don't worry, Bill. Florida will defeat Notre Dame or USC handily in some second-tier bowl.

And Joel, Georgia will... sorry. I got nothin'. I'm trying to be realistic here.


BitterBill said...

How many top-10 teams has Michigan played again? 2? And what was the rest of there schedule like? And didn't they barely survive against Ball State two weeks ago (is Ball State even Division I-A?)?

But seriously, whoever loses is out of contention for the title game. First, they won't be the second best team in the country (too many weak conference games) either in reality or by the polls...the humans will drop them to at least 4 or 5 and they'll have no more games to impress and bring themselves back up (while the remaining one-loss teams have plenty of season left). Second, from an equitable stand-point, the loser will have had its shot at number one, give someone else a shot at knocking Ohio State off. Third, a rematch won't make the BCS as much money; and though I'm not sure how the computer formulas work, I imagine they factor in how lucrative a particular match-up will be when calculating the rankings.

So, I'd like to postulate a more realistic outcome. Michigan gets blown out so bad by Ohio State that they drop to somewhere between 15-20. Ohio State, naturally, goes to the title game vs. USC (whom the computers seem to love even though they got beat by lowly OSU). Wisconsin then gets the second Big-Ten BCS tie-in leaving Michigan out of the BCS. But never fear, Arkansas will narrowly beat UF in the SEC final, leaving the mighty Gators out of BCS contention as well. Which leaves us with a Michigan-FL match-up in the Capital One Bowl...and everyone knows a gator could take a pansy little Wolverine any day of the week. Sorry Ben, it looks like your team is on a path to getting trounced by FL. I wish I could say the cards were in it for you, but even the Big Man upstairs is voting against you (just look what happened to Shembechler).

Benjamin Gorman said...

Okay, okay, okay. So I got some things a little bit wrong. Michigan DID go for the two-point conversion. And they got it.
But they lost.
And Bush is still President. And Cheney's not quite in Satan's grasp yet (under his influence, though. Repent! Repent!).
And the mere fact that it was a good game, and not the blow-out Bill predicted, does not make me significantly less depressed.
Next year! Next year!

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