Friday, March 30, 2012
Lessons of Surgery
I've learned so much today!
Lesson #1: Surgery isn't so bad. Shots of anesthetic? Bad.
Lesson #2: Anesthetic wearing off is also bad.
Lesson #3: "You may feel a little pinch." = BS
Lesson #4: You can reply to a text message during surgery. If you tell the person what is going on as you write, you will creep them out.
Lesson #5: If you try to block out the doctor-nurse banter during surgery with an episode of Jordan, Jesse Go!, you have to turn it up to 9.
Lesson #6: Your doctor may allow you to see what he's doing during surgery. It's best to refuse and close your eyes tightly.
Lesson #7: Cauterization after anesthetic does not hurt. You will smell burning meat, though. It’s not a bad smell ...until you remember that you’re the meat.
Lesson #8: When you sit on frozen peas, they conform to your body wonderfully. When you thaw them and refreeze them, they form big, spiky chunks.
Lesson #9: Writers are MORE productive when they can't get out of their chairs.
Lesson #10: The day you have surgery, your wife will be very sweet. She will allow you to avoid all housework. She will not like your idea of playing poker with the guys the next day.
Lesson #11: Even a dull pain can keep you up until 4:30 in the morning. Make that 5:30.