I have relatives in Texas, whom I love. I also enjoy traveling internationally, so bye bye, Texas!
Couldn't have said it better!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Chaperone Fun
Tonight I chaperoned the annual Spring Fling dance at the high school where I teach. While playing the role of bouncer at an exterior door, sitting next to a student teacher studying education at a nearby university and doing her time at our school, I got to enjoy watching the following exchange over the course of the evening:
A student obviously lacking in social skills came up to the female student teacher and asked her to dance. Or, rather, he came up and just started doing crotch thrusts in her direction. She simply shook her head. Then he tried to flirt by asking what she would do if he poured her soda on her head. 'Cause, you know, women love that. Trying to make clear that she is faculty rather than a student, she said, "Then I would flunk you."
"Not here," he said.
Due to the loud music, he thought she'd said, "Then I would f*** you."
I came over and he took off.
A couple minutes later he came back and asked her to dance again.
Before he left, he came up and asked her for a hug. Considering what he'd heard, his persistence is understandable. She offered to shake his hand.
As he walked off, confused and disappointed, I nearly fell on the floor.
A student obviously lacking in social skills came up to the female student teacher and asked her to dance. Or, rather, he came up and just started doing crotch thrusts in her direction. She simply shook her head. Then he tried to flirt by asking what she would do if he poured her soda on her head. 'Cause, you know, women love that. Trying to make clear that she is faculty rather than a student, she said, "Then I would flunk you."
"Not here," he said.
Due to the loud music, he thought she'd said, "Then I would f*** you."
I came over and he took off.
A couple minutes later he came back and asked her to dance again.
Before he left, he came up and asked her for a hug. Considering what he'd heard, his persistence is understandable. She offered to shake his hand.
As he walked off, confused and disappointed, I nearly fell on the floor.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
"Buy American" is Unpatriotic! And Socialized Medicine is the Capitalist's Choice
I've always felt that the notion that Americans should favor goods is inherently unpatriotic. If capitalism is to be our economic system, then we should follow the fundamental guiding principle by which prices are determined: the market. Americans who value this principle will buy American-made goods when they are the best options. To choose to buy an inferior product because it's made in America is to concede that American companies and American workers can't truly compete in the global market; it's an individual version of a totalitarian state's isolationist trade policy. Well, I was very glad to hear that the new CEO of GM, Fritz Henderson, not only shares this view, but was willing to articulate it clearly and boldly this last weekend on NBC's Meet the Press.
"MR. GREGORY: Do you expect and would you like to see President Obama encourage the country to buy American cars?
MR. HENDERSON: No, actually. I, I, I think the consumer should buy exactly what kind of car they think meets their needs and that excites them. And as I look at it, it's our job to make sure we provide that, not necessarily have it mandated or otherwise encouraged. I think we have fantastic cars and trucks. We're going to win in the marketplace and not necessarily because--just because we're a U.S. company."
Personally, I have no dog in the fight, but if the CEO of a major US corporation is willing to forgo the possible reward of "Buy American" campaigns because he genuinely believes in the quality of the products his company makes, that gives me far more confidence in the products than any speech about how we should buy American products just because they are made here. Way to go, Fritz!
Now, on that note, I should add that there are limits to my devotion to capitalism. Michael Douglas' Gordon Gekko, in the movie Wall Street, famously said, "Greed is good." Sometimes that's true, but it's what Augustine would have called a "lesser good". When the profit motive overtakes human decency, capitalism can quickly go from the best economic system to the absolute worst, at least for its victims. A great example is our health care system. Lots of people die in this country because a few people want to make a lot of money (not just make a living, but a huge profit) by treating only those who can pay for it.
Luckily, as Timothy Noah points out here, we have a solution that can satisfy everyone but the greediest among us: an optional public insurance. Rather than a government mandated system, which could benefit from economies of scale but which also might lack quality, flexibility, and inventiveness, or our current system which has those qualities at the expense of a lot of lives, not to mention great additional cost, let's give people the choice of a public plan or their private one. The public plan would have a huge advantage on price, but it would still have to compete to offer comparable care. The private plans would hold on to the upper-end of the economic ladder as niche products but they could drive the rest of the market with their quality and inventiveness. The big losers would be the current health care insurance conglomerates which would be down-scaled to boutique businesses, but if they have any foresight they'd see they would be better off that way than to be completely eradicated in a complete government takeover.
Once upon a time, industries like the automotive industry sided with the health care insurers against the government. Now they've come around and are begging for a public option in order to compete with countries which provide socialized medicine. The market has spoken, and in this case, it's opted for socialism. The health care insurers are on the wrong side, not only of history, but of capitalism, and they stand to lose everything if they don't adjust. They can choose to side with the crack-pot talking heads on Fox News, and so can the ignoramuses who still give credence to anything anyone says on that station, but a good capitalist economist would tell you not to: The Fox News blowhards have every economic incentive to rant and rave, and no price to pay when they lose a political battle. They just get to go on raving. The insurance companies run the risk of pushing the country beyond the point of a public option, to the point of a public mandate that wipes them out. And as for the viewers of Fox News? They could very well end up bedridden and uninsured, nodding in agreement with the fools on their screens, while dieing of some treatable disease and crying, "Those damned liberals want to take away our choice!"
Take it from the CEO of GM: If you can't win in the marketplace, you won't have any choice at all.
"MR. GREGORY: Do you expect and would you like to see President Obama encourage the country to buy American cars?
MR. HENDERSON: No, actually. I, I, I think the consumer should buy exactly what kind of car they think meets their needs and that excites them. And as I look at it, it's our job to make sure we provide that, not necessarily have it mandated or otherwise encouraged. I think we have fantastic cars and trucks. We're going to win in the marketplace and not necessarily because--just because we're a U.S. company."
Personally, I have no dog in the fight, but if the CEO of a major US corporation is willing to forgo the possible reward of "Buy American" campaigns because he genuinely believes in the quality of the products his company makes, that gives me far more confidence in the products than any speech about how we should buy American products just because they are made here. Way to go, Fritz!
Now, on that note, I should add that there are limits to my devotion to capitalism. Michael Douglas' Gordon Gekko, in the movie Wall Street, famously said, "Greed is good." Sometimes that's true, but it's what Augustine would have called a "lesser good". When the profit motive overtakes human decency, capitalism can quickly go from the best economic system to the absolute worst, at least for its victims. A great example is our health care system. Lots of people die in this country because a few people want to make a lot of money (not just make a living, but a huge profit) by treating only those who can pay for it.
Luckily, as Timothy Noah points out here, we have a solution that can satisfy everyone but the greediest among us: an optional public insurance. Rather than a government mandated system, which could benefit from economies of scale but which also might lack quality, flexibility, and inventiveness, or our current system which has those qualities at the expense of a lot of lives, not to mention great additional cost, let's give people the choice of a public plan or their private one. The public plan would have a huge advantage on price, but it would still have to compete to offer comparable care. The private plans would hold on to the upper-end of the economic ladder as niche products but they could drive the rest of the market with their quality and inventiveness. The big losers would be the current health care insurance conglomerates which would be down-scaled to boutique businesses, but if they have any foresight they'd see they would be better off that way than to be completely eradicated in a complete government takeover.
Once upon a time, industries like the automotive industry sided with the health care insurers against the government. Now they've come around and are begging for a public option in order to compete with countries which provide socialized medicine. The market has spoken, and in this case, it's opted for socialism. The health care insurers are on the wrong side, not only of history, but of capitalism, and they stand to lose everything if they don't adjust. They can choose to side with the crack-pot talking heads on Fox News, and so can the ignoramuses who still give credence to anything anyone says on that station, but a good capitalist economist would tell you not to: The Fox News blowhards have every economic incentive to rant and rave, and no price to pay when they lose a political battle. They just get to go on raving. The insurance companies run the risk of pushing the country beyond the point of a public option, to the point of a public mandate that wipes them out. And as for the viewers of Fox News? They could very well end up bedridden and uninsured, nodding in agreement with the fools on their screens, while dieing of some treatable disease and crying, "Those damned liberals want to take away our choice!"
Take it from the CEO of GM: If you can't win in the marketplace, you won't have any choice at all.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Turns Out Smoking IS Good For Us!
Not for you. Not for me. But for us.
The funny thing about this is that Adam Corolla, in his great new (free) podcast made this same point before the data was out. I was sure he was wrong. After all, one would assume that when health care professionals, congressmen, reporters, and every smoker's concerned mother makes the same point about smoking costing a society money, somebody, somewhere, would fact check that. They'd run the numbers and see if maybe there's a net saving from people dieing from smoking before they can become the really expensive burdens on society we all long to be when we're 95 years old. Someone would make sure these people aren't pulling the wool over our eyes with their common sense. Well, as usual, by virtue of everyone's certainty, we were all wrong. Check it out:
April 7, 2009
FACT CHECK: Do smokers cost society money?
By ERICA WERNER
Associated Press Writer
Smoking takes years off your life and adds dollars to the cost of health care. Yet nonsmokers cost society money, too — by living longer.
It's an element of the debate over tobacco that some economists and officials find distasteful.
House members described huge health care costs associated with smoking as they approved landmark legislation last week giving the Food and Drug Administration authority to regulate tobacco products. No one mentioned the additional costs to society of caring for a nonsmoking population that lives longer.
Supporters of the FDA bill cited figures from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that smokers cost the country $96 billion a year in direct health care costs, and an additional $97 billion a year in lost productivity.
A White House statement supporting the bill, which awaits action in the Senate, echoed the argument by contending that tobacco use "accounts for over a $100 billion annually in financial costs to the economy."
However, smokers die some 10 years earlier than nonsmokers, according to the CDC, and those premature deaths provide a savings to Medicare, Social Security, private pensions and other programs.
Vanderbilt University economist Kip Viscusi studied the net costs of smoking-related spending and savings and found that for every pack of cigarettes smoked, the country reaps a net cost savings of 32 cents.
"It looks unpleasant or ghoulish to look at the cost savings as well as the cost increases and it's not a good thing that smoking kills people," Viscusi said in an interview. "But if you're going to follow this health-cost train all the way, you have to take into account all the effects, not just the ones you like in terms of getting your bill passed."
Viscusi worked as a litigation expert for the tobacco industry in lawsuits by states but said that his research, which has been published in peer-reviewed journals, has never been funded by industry.
Other researchers have reached similar conclusions.
A Dutch study published last year in the Public Library of Science Medicine journal said that health care costs for smokers were about $326,000 from age 20 on, compared to about $417,000 for thin and healthy people.
The reason: The thin, healthy people lived much longer.
Willard Manning, a professor of health economics and policy at the University of Chicago's Harris School of Public Policy Studies, was lead author on a paper published two decades ago in the Journal of the American Medical Association that found that, taking into account tobacco taxes in effect at the time, smokers were not a financial burden to society.
"We were actually quite surprised by the finding because we were pretty sure that smokers were getting cross-subsidized by everybody else," said Manning, who suspects the findings would be similar today. "But it was only when we put all the pieces together that we found it was pretty much a wash."
Such conclusions are controversial since they assign an economic benefit to premature death. U.S. government agencies shy away from the calculations.
The goal of the U.S. health care system is "prolonging disability-free life," states the 2004 Surgeon General's report on the health consequences of smoking. "Thus any negative economic impacts from gains in longevity with smoking reduction should not be emphasized in public health decisions."
Dr. Terry Pechacek, the CDC associate director for science in the office on smoking and health, said that data seeking to quantify economic benefits of smoking couldn't capture all the benefits associated with longevity, like a grandparent's contribution to a family. Because of such uncertainties the CDC won't put a price tag on savings from smoking.
"The natural train of logic that follows from that is that then anybody that's admitted around age 65 or older that's showing any signs of sickness should be denied treatment," Pechacek said. "That's the cheapest thing to do."
-Okay, I'm not saying we need Logan's Run-style suicide centers for the elderly, but this does throw a wrench in the rationale for anti-smoking campaigns as a cost-savings measure. So, next tome you see a smoker, instead of faking a cough to show your disdain, consider walking up and thanking that person for saving you money.
The funny thing about this is that Adam Corolla, in his great new (free) podcast made this same point before the data was out. I was sure he was wrong. After all, one would assume that when health care professionals, congressmen, reporters, and every smoker's concerned mother makes the same point about smoking costing a society money, somebody, somewhere, would fact check that. They'd run the numbers and see if maybe there's a net saving from people dieing from smoking before they can become the really expensive burdens on society we all long to be when we're 95 years old. Someone would make sure these people aren't pulling the wool over our eyes with their common sense. Well, as usual, by virtue of everyone's certainty, we were all wrong. Check it out:
April 7, 2009
FACT CHECK: Do smokers cost society money?
By ERICA WERNER
Associated Press Writer
Smoking takes years off your life and adds dollars to the cost of health care. Yet nonsmokers cost society money, too — by living longer.
It's an element of the debate over tobacco that some economists and officials find distasteful.
House members described huge health care costs associated with smoking as they approved landmark legislation last week giving the Food and Drug Administration authority to regulate tobacco products. No one mentioned the additional costs to society of caring for a nonsmoking population that lives longer.
Supporters of the FDA bill cited figures from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that smokers cost the country $96 billion a year in direct health care costs, and an additional $97 billion a year in lost productivity.
A White House statement supporting the bill, which awaits action in the Senate, echoed the argument by contending that tobacco use "accounts for over a $100 billion annually in financial costs to the economy."
However, smokers die some 10 years earlier than nonsmokers, according to the CDC, and those premature deaths provide a savings to Medicare, Social Security, private pensions and other programs.
Vanderbilt University economist Kip Viscusi studied the net costs of smoking-related spending and savings and found that for every pack of cigarettes smoked, the country reaps a net cost savings of 32 cents.
"It looks unpleasant or ghoulish to look at the cost savings as well as the cost increases and it's not a good thing that smoking kills people," Viscusi said in an interview. "But if you're going to follow this health-cost train all the way, you have to take into account all the effects, not just the ones you like in terms of getting your bill passed."
Viscusi worked as a litigation expert for the tobacco industry in lawsuits by states but said that his research, which has been published in peer-reviewed journals, has never been funded by industry.
Other researchers have reached similar conclusions.
A Dutch study published last year in the Public Library of Science Medicine journal said that health care costs for smokers were about $326,000 from age 20 on, compared to about $417,000 for thin and healthy people.
The reason: The thin, healthy people lived much longer.
Willard Manning, a professor of health economics and policy at the University of Chicago's Harris School of Public Policy Studies, was lead author on a paper published two decades ago in the Journal of the American Medical Association that found that, taking into account tobacco taxes in effect at the time, smokers were not a financial burden to society.
"We were actually quite surprised by the finding because we were pretty sure that smokers were getting cross-subsidized by everybody else," said Manning, who suspects the findings would be similar today. "But it was only when we put all the pieces together that we found it was pretty much a wash."
Such conclusions are controversial since they assign an economic benefit to premature death. U.S. government agencies shy away from the calculations.
The goal of the U.S. health care system is "prolonging disability-free life," states the 2004 Surgeon General's report on the health consequences of smoking. "Thus any negative economic impacts from gains in longevity with smoking reduction should not be emphasized in public health decisions."
Dr. Terry Pechacek, the CDC associate director for science in the office on smoking and health, said that data seeking to quantify economic benefits of smoking couldn't capture all the benefits associated with longevity, like a grandparent's contribution to a family. Because of such uncertainties the CDC won't put a price tag on savings from smoking.
"The natural train of logic that follows from that is that then anybody that's admitted around age 65 or older that's showing any signs of sickness should be denied treatment," Pechacek said. "That's the cheapest thing to do."
-Okay, I'm not saying we need Logan's Run-style suicide centers for the elderly, but this does throw a wrench in the rationale for anti-smoking campaigns as a cost-savings measure. So, next tome you see a smoker, instead of faking a cough to show your disdain, consider walking up and thanking that person for saving you money.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Coolest Cat Ever?
When Paige told me she wanted a second cat, and that her aunt had very cute longhair kittens, I was more than a bit skeptical. I knew longhairs can easily turn into the feline version of that nasty white blond chick with the trust fund who decides she's a Rastafarian while she's in college (some friends of mine have dubbed them Trustifarians). The long-haired cats can look just as bad, and smell just as bad, too. Well, sure enough, Xeno (we name all our pets after philosophers. That's what happens when two philosophy majors get married) turned into that nappy co-ed cat, and we needed to shave him. It would have cost a pretty penny to have it done professionally (Hazzard pay. He was gross) but Paige's uncle is a vet, so he generously agreed to knock Xeno out and let me use his clippers to shave the cat. Not only did it serve as a kind of bonding experience, making me feel more attached to the cat than I have since he was that little puffball kitten, but it gave me a chance to give him a haircut I wish I'd had the courage and opportunity to pull off back when I had hair. That's right; I gave my cat a Mohawk. He is much happier with his stinky, probably painful matts removed, and now I not only like petting him or having him on my lap, but I crack up every time he saunters into the room. Behold, Xeno, the coolest cat ever!
"You lookin' at me?"
Showing it off.
On the catwalk.
Makin' love to... the camera?
Oh, man, I just realized I'm blogging about cats. If I become any more of a cliche I think... I splode!
"You lookin' at me?"
Showing it off.
On the catwalk.
Makin' love to... the camera?
Oh, man, I just realized I'm blogging about cats. If I become any more of a cliche I think... I splode!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
25 Random Lies About Me, issue twenty-five
25. I supported George W. Bush in the last two elections, and still feel he did a heckuva’ job.
Furthermore, I feel history will completely vindicate his presidency for all the so-called “crimes” liberals try to pin on him and the good, decent, hard-working people who served in his administration.
And if I could go one step further, I think Robert Mugabe is doing an equally good job of running the government of Zimbabwe right now.
Furthermore, I feel history will completely vindicate his presidency for all the so-called “crimes” liberals try to pin on him and the good, decent, hard-working people who served in his administration.
And if I could go one step further, I think Robert Mugabe is doing an equally good job of running the government of Zimbabwe right now.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
The Narcissism of Great Powers, part two, KFC edition
To continue with the theme of connecting disparate items I'm reading, yesterday I read a piece, again in Slate, asking why capitalists are such a bunch pf pansies right now. Apparently, as part of the plan to rescue them from their own greed, Geithner will allow them to buy up the toxic assets for 84% of their value using loans from the government, guaranteed by Mister and Missus taxpayer, for 72 of that 84%. They would have to pitch in 6% and the government would match that with a 6% gift. Basically, they are risking only 7% of the assets' paper value, and stand to make a lot. We take all the rest of the risk. The article asks where the gutsy capitalists have gone.
The answer came in my mailbox, in the form of a coupon advertising KFC's "Bailout Buckets".
Sure, the former Wall Street masters of the universe may have lost faith in your average American's ability to pay off his or her home mortgage, but they still have confidence that we'll drown our collective sorrows in cleverly marketed buckets of greasy, mass produced, corporate chicken-death-camp yumminess. Combine this with our national tendency toward Narcisisstic Personality Disorder and you can see why America behaves like the big, fat, greasy bully pushing everybody else around on the playground: Why play nice in hopes of trading bag lunch items in the cafeteria when you know your corporate parents sent you to school with a Bailout Bucket full of KFC to keep all to yourself?
The answer came in my mailbox, in the form of a coupon advertising KFC's "Bailout Buckets".
Sure, the former Wall Street masters of the universe may have lost faith in your average American's ability to pay off his or her home mortgage, but they still have confidence that we'll drown our collective sorrows in cleverly marketed buckets of greasy, mass produced, corporate chicken-death-camp yumminess. Combine this with our national tendency toward Narcisisstic Personality Disorder and you can see why America behaves like the big, fat, greasy bully pushing everybody else around on the playground: Why play nice in hopes of trading bag lunch items in the cafeteria when you know your corporate parents sent you to school with a Bailout Bucket full of KFC to keep all to yourself?
Monday, March 23, 2009
The Narcissism of Great Powers
This last week I read an article in Slate about how as much as 6% of our population has NPD, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and rates for our children may run as high as 10%. I also listened to one of the Sunday morning talk shows where three prominent politicians went on and on about how great America is and how we'll come through this economic crisis better then we were before. Essentially they said we should all adopt the position of the thief on the cross next to Brian in Monty Python's The Life of Brian and "Look on the bright side of life" simply because we're American and we've got this great history which dictates our invincibility. I found myself wondering, without that history, did the founding fathers believe that Americans could weather any storm by the simple virtue of their nationality? In contrast, did the Babylonians, the Persians, the Greeks, The Romans, the French, the Dutch, the Spanish, and the British all go through periods late in their empires where their leaders told them they needn't worry about looming disasters simply because of their countries' respective histories? And, if so, is it likely that, had the diagnosis been available, some 10% of those countries' populations might have suffered from Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Now, for the record, I'm not saying the American Empire is doomed. Or, to be more specific, I'm not saying it's necessarily doomed quite yet. Maybe we've got another three hundred years left in us, maybe a thousand. But empires come to an end. If we're going to take heart from the history of America's rise to prominence, we have to temper that with a recognition that history also teaches us about the inevitable demise of empires.
More specifically, if our own history is going to tell us we're great, it should tell us why. If America rose to become the global super-power because of its people's industry, I fail to see how narcissism will take the place of hard work. Personally, I'd like to believe that what has made the United States special are our ideals of liberty, our respect for law, and our progressivism. These seem to be the forces which called people from all over the world to cross oceans to become Americans. If this reading of history is correct, then looking on the bright side of life will not make up for a bullying foreign policy, the use of torture, or the doctrine of preemptive war. Too many of us have become too fearful; we're afraid of everything from terrorism to immigration to socialized medicine to stem cell research to gay marriage. William F. Buckley, the father of modern conservatism, famously described the job of modern conservatives as standing "athwart history, yelling, 'Stop!'" If "Stop!" is our only answer to this crisis, or if that is only qualified with Bill Kristol's advice to Republicans, "Obstruct and delay," then the past victories of the United States will not compensate for our current intellectual and moral weakness.
I take no joy in watching the people of my country suffer, regardless of their political stripes. Schadenfreude quickly comes to an end in times like these. But where derision provides no solace, at least there's the consolation of this accidental camaraderie. I'm at that age when a person discovers that his favorite athletes are younger than he is, that he is now older than some of his favorite musicians were when they killed themselves in one way or another, and that some of his dreams might be just as dead as those rock stars. I take a perverse comfort in the fact that life tries to beat some measure of humility into individuals and nations alike. Whether we prefer our comeuppance in spoonfuls or inundations, the universe gives us our medicine in the quantities it sees fit.
Now, for the record, I'm not saying the American Empire is doomed. Or, to be more specific, I'm not saying it's necessarily doomed quite yet. Maybe we've got another three hundred years left in us, maybe a thousand. But empires come to an end. If we're going to take heart from the history of America's rise to prominence, we have to temper that with a recognition that history also teaches us about the inevitable demise of empires.
More specifically, if our own history is going to tell us we're great, it should tell us why. If America rose to become the global super-power because of its people's industry, I fail to see how narcissism will take the place of hard work. Personally, I'd like to believe that what has made the United States special are our ideals of liberty, our respect for law, and our progressivism. These seem to be the forces which called people from all over the world to cross oceans to become Americans. If this reading of history is correct, then looking on the bright side of life will not make up for a bullying foreign policy, the use of torture, or the doctrine of preemptive war. Too many of us have become too fearful; we're afraid of everything from terrorism to immigration to socialized medicine to stem cell research to gay marriage. William F. Buckley, the father of modern conservatism, famously described the job of modern conservatives as standing "athwart history, yelling, 'Stop!'" If "Stop!" is our only answer to this crisis, or if that is only qualified with Bill Kristol's advice to Republicans, "Obstruct and delay," then the past victories of the United States will not compensate for our current intellectual and moral weakness.
I take no joy in watching the people of my country suffer, regardless of their political stripes. Schadenfreude quickly comes to an end in times like these. But where derision provides no solace, at least there's the consolation of this accidental camaraderie. I'm at that age when a person discovers that his favorite athletes are younger than he is, that he is now older than some of his favorite musicians were when they killed themselves in one way or another, and that some of his dreams might be just as dead as those rock stars. I take a perverse comfort in the fact that life tries to beat some measure of humility into individuals and nations alike. Whether we prefer our comeuppance in spoonfuls or inundations, the universe gives us our medicine in the quantities it sees fit.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
25 Random Lies About Me, issue twenty-four
Lots and lots of people have pet monkeys. It's a well known fact.
But I had a pet silverback gorilla.
His name was Fluffy, which seemed totally appropriate when he was just a baby.
Then he grew up. Pretty soon things got a little frightening.
After Paige and I started dating, Fluffy created a lot of tension for us. Eventually she would say things like, "I just feel like we're not alone when we're in your apartment," or "It's Fluffy or me," or "You do realize he could rip one of your arms off on accident, don't you?"
But I was very loyal to Fluffy until he did, in fact, rip a UPS man's arm off when Fluffy got to excited about a delivery.
That was the first and last time I had to admit to Paige that she was right and I was wrong. I'll never put myself in that position again. And I learned my lesson. Fluffy had to go so that I could forge a relationship in which I'm always right.
But I had a pet silverback gorilla.
His name was Fluffy, which seemed totally appropriate when he was just a baby.
Then he grew up. Pretty soon things got a little frightening.
After Paige and I started dating, Fluffy created a lot of tension for us. Eventually she would say things like, "I just feel like we're not alone when we're in your apartment," or "It's Fluffy or me," or "You do realize he could rip one of your arms off on accident, don't you?"
But I was very loyal to Fluffy until he did, in fact, rip a UPS man's arm off when Fluffy got to excited about a delivery.
That was the first and last time I had to admit to Paige that she was right and I was wrong. I'll never put myself in that position again. And I learned my lesson. Fluffy had to go so that I could forge a relationship in which I'm always right.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
25 Random Lies About Me, issue twenty-three
23. I love reality TV.
Watching fully grown adults...
...try to scratch and claw their way to their fifteen minutes of fame while complete camera crews surround them to capture all that gritty reality just seems like the pinnacle of Western culture to me.
Who needs writers?
Watching fully grown adults...
...try to scratch and claw their way to their fifteen minutes of fame while complete camera crews surround them to capture all that gritty reality just seems like the pinnacle of Western culture to me.
Who needs writers?
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
25 Random Lies About Me, issue twenty-two
22. I once picked up a woman at a bar. That's it. That's the whole story. I'm pretty proud of the accomplishment.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
25 Random Lies About Me, issue twenty-one
21. You know when you see a car add and there's some tiny writing at the bottom that says, "Professional driver on a closed course"?
That's not me. But once I pulled off to the side of the road because I'd witnessed an accident, and the driver at fault was that very guy.
He can't drive very well in traffic; us amateur drivers freak him out.
That's not me. But once I pulled off to the side of the road because I'd witnessed an accident, and the driver at fault was that very guy.
He can't drive very well in traffic; us amateur drivers freak him out.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
25 Random Lies About Me, issue twenty
20. They once based an episode of Law and Order on an event from my life. It wasn't Law and Order: SVU, cause that kind of stuff is just gross.
Plus, the real event didn't involve a murder, so they had to add that.
Actually, it didn't really involve an interesting legal question, either. And it didn't really take place in New York. And it didn't make any headlines from which to be ripped. Mine was the one where the old lawyer gave this impassioned speech in court until the really slimy defense lawyer yelled "Objection!" while the super-hot assistant DA watched and looked concerned.
Plus, the real event didn't involve a murder, so they had to add that.
Actually, it didn't really involve an interesting legal question, either. And it didn't really take place in New York. And it didn't make any headlines from which to be ripped. Mine was the one where the old lawyer gave this impassioned speech in court until the really slimy defense lawyer yelled "Objection!" while the super-hot assistant DA watched and looked concerned.
Friday, March 13, 2009
25 Random Lies About Me, issue ninetten
19. I am not bald because of some genetic predisposition.
I had a full head of thick hair until the day when I learned a valuable lesson. I was living in Hong Kong at the time, and, as you can imagine, my apartment was very small.
Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, was close to everything else.
This included the household cleaning products and my shampoo.
I'm not even sure which of the cleaning products I accidentally used.
The place was too small for a shower, and the bed that converted into a bathtub was impractical, so luckily I was washing my hair in the kitchen sink. Otherwise I would have no eyebrows and would probably be blind.
So, obviously, the lesson I learned was that one should always wash one's hair in the kitchen sink.
I had a full head of thick hair until the day when I learned a valuable lesson. I was living in Hong Kong at the time, and, as you can imagine, my apartment was very small.
Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, was close to everything else.
This included the household cleaning products and my shampoo.
I'm not even sure which of the cleaning products I accidentally used.
The place was too small for a shower, and the bed that converted into a bathtub was impractical, so luckily I was washing my hair in the kitchen sink. Otherwise I would have no eyebrows and would probably be blind.
So, obviously, the lesson I learned was that one should always wash one's hair in the kitchen sink.
Mac Compatibility
After yesterday's lie, a friend sent me this useful graph that really ought to be shared. For those of you who missed the film Independence Day, it's now a documented fact that alien craft are compatible with Macs, if only to acquire dangerous and highly complex viruses from them, and as long as those viruses were written by noted computer expert Jeff Golblum.
Credits: Caption by: pirroplato | Picture by: dunno source
Credits: Caption by: pirroplato | Picture by: dunno source
Thursday, March 12, 2009
25 Random Lies About Me, issue eighteen
18. I love Macintosh computers and refuse to use anything else.
Once, I had a chance to meet Steve Jobs backstage at the Macworld conference.
Maybe he was just having a bad day, and maybe I handled the situation poorly by giving him a bear hug before speaking to him, but as soon as he was free he started screaming about how I should leave him the f*** alone and go take all the other sycophantic freaks and go get a f***ing "ilife" 'cause at the end of the day it's still just a f***ing computer. Justin Long was standing nearby, and he really looked like this hurt his feelings.
I didn't have the time to worry about Justin, though. In a Mac-fan induced rage, I grabbed Steve Jobs by the collar and I slapped him hard across the mouth, screamed, "Blasphemer! You will burn in the digital fires of a poorly-designed virtual hell for an eternal load-time!"
Then I ran away from security.
Once, I had a chance to meet Steve Jobs backstage at the Macworld conference.
Maybe he was just having a bad day, and maybe I handled the situation poorly by giving him a bear hug before speaking to him, but as soon as he was free he started screaming about how I should leave him the f*** alone and go take all the other sycophantic freaks and go get a f***ing "ilife" 'cause at the end of the day it's still just a f***ing computer. Justin Long was standing nearby, and he really looked like this hurt his feelings.
I didn't have the time to worry about Justin, though. In a Mac-fan induced rage, I grabbed Steve Jobs by the collar and I slapped him hard across the mouth, screamed, "Blasphemer! You will burn in the digital fires of a poorly-designed virtual hell for an eternal load-time!"
Then I ran away from security.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
25 Random Lies About Me, issue seventeen
17. I am a member of the JabbaWockeeZ, a competitive dance crew.
We wear white masks and gloves when we dance. You may have seen us in that new Nike ad. We gained our fame on the show America's Got Talent before we won it all on MTV's America's Best Dance Crew, but people probably don't know that I'm the one who came up with the name for the group.
Actually, I thought it would be more clever to be the "JabberWalkies". I thought we could mumble to ourselves and make nonsense sounds while we danced, as a kind of homage to the absurdity of Carrol's poem.
But that turned out to be taken by a bluetooth earpiece company. Another guy in the group, my hommie J-DoG LaRotZ, previously of the dance team LeViATHanZ, came up with the new spelling and capitalization, which we all agreed was off the hizzle!
We wear white masks and gloves when we dance. You may have seen us in that new Nike ad. We gained our fame on the show America's Got Talent before we won it all on MTV's America's Best Dance Crew, but people probably don't know that I'm the one who came up with the name for the group.
Actually, I thought it would be more clever to be the "JabberWalkies". I thought we could mumble to ourselves and make nonsense sounds while we danced, as a kind of homage to the absurdity of Carrol's poem.
But that turned out to be taken by a bluetooth earpiece company. Another guy in the group, my hommie J-DoG LaRotZ, previously of the dance team LeViATHanZ, came up with the new spelling and capitalization, which we all agreed was off the hizzle!
Monday, March 09, 2009
25 Random Lies About Me, issue sixteen
16. I was once called upon by a friend in the police department to take part in a ransom drop because I looked like the brother of the victim.
The experience was pretty intense. I had to wear a wire and everything.
I brought a suitcase full of unmarked bills into a bus station, sat down where I was supposed to, and waited. The victim came in between two guys in trench coats. We made the exchange, and then the police moved on the kidnappers in the parking lot, leaving me with the man I'd helped to rescue.
It was one of the most awkward conversations of my life. We had nothing in common. For one thing, he was a kidnapping victim, and he'd gone through a few days of interrogation and torture. For another, he liked baseball. Even our taste in music was different. He really didn't like it when I asked him about his family. Plus, he seemed anxious and irritable to the point of rudeness. Finally I stopped asking him personal questions and we just sat there in silence.
The next time my police officer friend called and asked me to take part in another drop, I said no. Kidnapping victims are not as sympathetic as they seem on TV.
The experience was pretty intense. I had to wear a wire and everything.
I brought a suitcase full of unmarked bills into a bus station, sat down where I was supposed to, and waited. The victim came in between two guys in trench coats. We made the exchange, and then the police moved on the kidnappers in the parking lot, leaving me with the man I'd helped to rescue.
It was one of the most awkward conversations of my life. We had nothing in common. For one thing, he was a kidnapping victim, and he'd gone through a few days of interrogation and torture. For another, he liked baseball. Even our taste in music was different. He really didn't like it when I asked him about his family. Plus, he seemed anxious and irritable to the point of rudeness. Finally I stopped asking him personal questions and we just sat there in silence.
The next time my police officer friend called and asked me to take part in another drop, I said no. Kidnapping victims are not as sympathetic as they seem on TV.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
25 Random Lies About Me, issue fifteen
15. One time I was struck by lightning.
I didn't gain any super-human abilities from the experience, and it hurt like a mother!
All in all, a big disappointment.
I didn't gain any super-human abilities from the experience, and it hurt like a mother!
All in all, a big disappointment.
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